WikiLeaks and Me and the Election too


WikiLeaks and Me and The Election too ©

By Michael Casey

I’ve come away from watching RED for the 5th plus time to write a piece about the USA Election, just a few weeks away. Last night was the posh dinner and today even more WikiLeaks came out.  The total irony about the Election is that it’s all about pants, Trump wanted to use Bill’s lack of pants as a weapon, then all the girls, 10 to date came out and spoke about Trump’s activities. Then all the leaks came out, which made things Pants for Hillary. Pants means rubbish here in England, was the game good? No it was pants.

A guy who is hiding in Russia who betrayed his own country gets to manipulate the voters in USA. It’s ironic that Hillary had all her email problems and now is being shafted by emails again. And Republicans are so eager to believe a traitor, assuming all the emails are true anyway.

My other point would be, we all say we hate Mrs Smith from down the road because she parks her car so badly and restricts the flow of traffic in your posh little drive. But we never say it to her face because she bakes the best cookies in the whole of Alabama, so we accept her bad parking for fear of losing her cookies, we all remember the bear in the Andy Williams show is it 50 years ago now. We will send emails and messages to each other saying she is a SOB the way she parks, so what would happen if WikiLeaks revealed that. There would be disharmony in your little community Mrs Smith would no longer share the cookies.

In the big wide world secrets are secrets for a reason, you don’t share them for fearing to upset one party of another. You have to organise things so as not to upset people, you have to show one face so as not to lose face as the Chinese say, my wife is from Shanghai by the way. We are all Rubic cubes, and we are a mix of this and that, we unscramble the cube to produce order. Now if internal emails which have been hacked come to the fore what does it do? It just scrambles the cube again, and yes people are two faced and argue and bicker, but I would say this is normal in any family.

Mom can I go out tonight, who are you going out with, ok so long as you are back by 11pm, and wear a Tshirt under that skimpy blouse, and make sure you avoid Liam, he’s a sick SOB, and bring who some milk from the late night shop when you come home. These are similar conversations held every day the world over, and the child may bitch and moan about her mum, but she will bring home the milk.

If her private emails were broadcast there would be a rift in the family, it’s like diaries used to be in previous ages nowadays it’s our emails. Which ARE all scanned by the way, I get Undertakers, and Health emails, as well as pain relief emails offering me services. You need to have a decent subject line before I open one and is the only email I use, so any offers for my writing need to go there. I’m taking a chance now as I could get millions of hate emails, ok 3, one from Snowden and one from Trump and another from Hillary.

So if we think about WikiLeaks what is the purpose behind it? It’s to help Trump become President, who would be weaker than Hillary despite her faults, personally I’d vote for Bloomberg but he is not running, and I live in Birmingham England not Alabama so I have no vote anyway. Some things are secret for a reason, and if we go back to watching RED, some very strong things have to be done to protect a country.  Hillary watched Bin Laden being executed live, while Trump was doing a beauty show.

WikiLeaks  seeks to influence the Election by showing one sides inner workings, the sad reality is that this time around in USA 66% of  all the voters don’t really like either of them. Today we had a major hack event in USA major companies had DOS attacks, it should be a wake-up call to USA, it should also wake up the entire population, THINK FOR YOURSELVES.  And protect your computers before the whole country goes  dark, just like in another Bruce Willis film. I have to go take a leak now.



No more pain


No More Pain

No More Pain ©

By Michael Casey

Mary J Blige was just singing on Magic Chilled, and part of the song said No More Pain, she’s being followed by Will Young, in a way they are both singing about the same thing, Pain. This makes me smile as this morning I was screaming in pain, lying down gives me pain thanks to my scar tissue and my Arthur/arthritis. Relax I won’t bore you all too much with this. The next song is we were born sick, take me to church.

I was wondering what to write about tonight, and the radio presented the answer to me, or is God the straight man feeding me the line and I turn it into a comic line, just like double acts, such as Abbot and Costello. We all have sad days, and there are friends at work or in our neighbourhood who lift our spirits. Some say they are just useless, worthless people, but in fact they are the glue that binds society together.

If you forgive yet another Trump joke, who would we be laughing at now if we didn’t have Donald to laugh at, so he could end up with the Congressional Medal of Honour spelt with just an O too, because he gave us all such great entertainment, I speak as an avid news watcher with 50 years experience. And as he said he’ll still get to Pennsylvania Avenue, he just opened a new hotel there in the old Post Office building.

So Heaven Help Hillary if she wins and wants to post any clothes to her grandchild in New York. They’ll just disappear, or do losing Presidential candidates join the Post Office, so should we watch out for Mr Trump wearing shorts. Though in Men in Black 3, one of the Men in Black worked in the Post Office, before coming out and saving the world. So Donald Trump will save the world from aliens, but that’s all in the Future.

But I digress, I must have learnt that from the Donald Trump school of speech giving. I hope I have amused you all, especially those of you at the London Embassy, as you report back to Obama what the rest of the world is thinking about.

I heard that John Kerry will be asked to remain as Foreign Secretary, but his shorthand is not very good. He also is thinking of joining Team Sky and doing the Tour de France, but his secret service detail insist they are not shaving their legs for anybody, not even if Rupert Murdoch throws in the new Q Sky tv thingy.

So it looks like that John Kerry, who is the best President America never had, in my opinion, he will in fact go back to his job sealing the lids on baked bean tins in his wife’s old bean factory. Even though there may be issues with Global Warming due to the number of children who eat too many baked beans, even though it is a form of central heating for kids.

Where was I, I am about to watch the Press Preview on Sky, so I have to finish, but I hope I have distracted you enough so that you forget your pain. Whatever your pain is, a teacher, a boyfriend, an exam, or a fat silver haired writer from Birmingham who makes you cry before you go out on stage and say everything is rigged, should I remind you of the song about the Scottish Donald?

Family Decisions


Family Decision ©

By Michael Casey

We have been going through a process for several months now, and as you can already guess we have not made a decision. If it’s a bloke he makes his mind up quite quickly. How much money does he have in his pocket, or in his bank account, and if there’s enough he’ll buy what he needs. Me, I only have a few quid in my pocket at any one time, any less and I’d be Royalty. Royalty never carries any cash, even though Grannies/Mommies image is on all the coinage, just so they never forget who they love, and who is the Boss. So I can be an impulse buyer and buy what I want, be it a loaf of bread or a pair of Clarks shoes. But what if it is something more expensive?

Well if my have my card in my pocket I’ll spend money, so I leave my card safely at home, otherwise I’d be bankrupt. That’s no doubt how the Royals grew their fortune. Same as when I’m on holiday I’ll spend money easily, but once back home from holidays, I hide my card. Luckily our dogs have good noses and can find it again, I wrap it in a smelly sock to help them.

Now back to decisions, if it’s just me then I’m very quick. But once you have a wife and then daughters things take longer and longer to decide. Years ago picking our first car was easy, I picked a Skoda, I’d done all the research and that’s what I could afford. But then your wife says she prefers X or Y or Z, so you spend time investigating X then Y then Z, before you know what, she agrees with me that the Skoda would be perfect after all. I suppose this is marriage the world over. My dad’s death meant we had a bit of extra money so we upgraded the model of the Skoda, having a bit of comfort as my dad used to say.

Daughters bring more joys to a family, and longer decision making times. You can’t just buy a thing you have to buy a pretty thing, a nice and pretty thing that must be PINK, well for a few years anyway. I have 2 daughters and a female cat, so I am outnumbered 4 to 1, little wonder I become a gay dad, this means I have to learn about Fashion and Colour Coordination. So when I buy something the Female perspective has to be taken into account, so any packaging that is pink or just pretty wins hands down. We eat Warburtons bread not just because it’s very nice, but because my girls like the pretty Orange wrapper it comes in.

Many decisions in a family are simple and obvious but you have to share decision making, whether or not you want to. As somebody once told me, it may have been Elaine Palin the poet, you are living with 3 girls you haven’t got a chance. Though I like to think that I am the dad, a cross dressing dad, but I still wear trousers occasionally.

So my word is Law, let’s stop right here. See I even put a full stop, or period for any American readers. I’m not one of these old fashioned dads I treat my girls like adults, probably from when they were 7 and could finish the Times Crossword in under 6 minutes. Now some of my statements are comic devices, apart from the cross dressing, as I’m always angry when I get dressed as I am a nudist, the little old ladies in the seniors home down the road have a telescope you know.

As I was saying before you all side-tracked me, decisions just take so much longer when you are in a family. As a lad it’s around the chippy for a kebab and chips, then you have a Shanghai wife who can cook so she demands vegetables, so you ask what are vegetables? Then children come along and you force them to eat their vegetables, sweet or is it bitter revenge for what their mother did to you.

Every item in life is shared and laughed at in a family, where did daddy steal Eddie Izzard’s dresses from, and hasn’t daddy learnt that pink and sage do not go together. I could go on but this chair is really hard and I don’t want to get a splinter in my bum again. Last time my girls laughed so much they peed on the floor, they blamed Totoro the cat for it too. The sight of me lying on the settee with my bum in the air while my wife used a needle to get the splinter out was just too much for them. Thank God it didn’t end up on Facebook, hopefully nobody would have recognised my behind, it would have been the end for me otherwise.

Expectations or Don’t Count Your Chickens


Expectation or Don’t Count Your Chickens ©

By Michael Casey

Expectation, Hope or even Counting Your Chickens Before They Hatch can be a very dangerous thing. You can end up with egg all over your face, or even getting your face slapped. You think you’ll win an election, only to have defeat instead, but only a fool would want to be a Politician in any place anywhere.

Winning can be a flick of a coin, literally, in Las Vegas or in a tied election. It’s all a game of Luck, as my brother said Life is a Game of Roulette, he speaks as an Economics graduate from Cambridge, my other brother was at Oxford, what did he say, he said try computers and it changed my life. So by following one piece of advice the whole path of your life can change. Just as one moment of madness can ruin it, listening to your phone while crossing the road and you end up in a wheel chair for life.

Exam results are a moment of great expectations, my daughter aims for all A*s which is the top grade, in everything, my mother used to say to us it did not matter we could go and work in Woolworths. As for our blacksmith and steel worker dad he said, I have no education do what you like but do your best. It brings a tear to my eye as I share this with you, his Love was strong, as was mum’s, but to me he was like a brother and a best friend.

When you plan things, always have a plan B, our Politicians here in UK should have had a Plan B for Brexit, but they did not bother out of arrogance and it would send bad vibes or so they thought. They say Eton gives you confidence and it stands you in good stead whatever you do. Personally most of us could never go to Eton, though the joke is I went to Eton you know, but only to unblock the drains. It’s an old Michael Bentine joke but HE is worth a Google or two.

My own Eton was CPNEC Birmingham, 3 years in a 4 star deluxe business hotel, it was an Education in itself. There I learnt to expect the unexpected, not to count any chickens, every day was different but always tiring, 12 hour shifts walking on marble and never sitting down. So if you want your child to grow and get loads of confidence make them work at a hotel during those long Eton holidays. While waiting for those A Level results make them take a gap year working in a hotel. You meet thousands of people in the foyer of a hotel, I think I must have met 100,000 over the 3 years. As for my brother he invented gap years 40 years ago. He worked at a coal mine in Newbold Vernon for a year before getting into Cambridge thanks to inverted snobbery and the 4 straight As did help too.

As you can see I’m the stupid one, the writer of family, I’ve done a lot of manual work, but I’ve also observed many many things, so I’ve ended up by accident as a writer. 30 years and nearly one million words, over 10 books and I’m on the 11th book now. I have no expectation of ever being recognised as a Luvly Writer as Clare Moore once said of my writing. I do hope that my daughters look back and remember the laughter, that’s my only hope, and that’d be enough for me, I’m not counting any chickens, but once the girls fly the nest they’ll always have smiles in their hearts.


Vote for me I’m Blonde


Vote for Me I’m Blonde ©

By Michael Casey

Vote for me I’m Blonde and I’ll do anything to win the day

Vote for me I’m Blonde you can squeeze my ass because I’m crass

Vote for me and I’ll sleep with you votes and fun have just begun

Vote for me it’s just like Hotel California but for real, be quiet don’t squeal

Vote for me because I’m Blonde and I have Policies and I’ve put it in a book

Vote for me because I’m so sincere and I’m not a degenerate well not yet

Vote for me because you’ll feel thinner and younger too

Vote for me and you’ll be part of the in crowd so hip and groovy too

Vote for me because you haven’t got a clue, just like me sniffing glue

Vote for me because you want to grab life by the balls, just make sure

nobody has video of you saying it

Vote for me because I’m so old and getting elected is like Viagra

Vote for me because you want to touch my shadow and be healed.

Vote for me because you don’t know what the appeal is you just want me

Vote out of your ignorance and with full of doubts x marks the spot

Vote oh please vote and then I’ll be so happy just vote I beg you

Then when I am elected I’ll repay all my faithful voters personally

I’ll let all of you stroke my plush pussy.

Because I will be the new cat warden in our nonsense state of USA

And Plush Pussy is the name of our Persian Blue cat Mascot

What were you all thinking, go wash your mouth and mind out, and don’t forget to vote on

Nov 8th, you get the Government you deserve so VOTE.


It’s Cold and damp Autumn is here


It’s cold and damp Autumn is here ©

By Michael Casey

Perhaps I should translate for my American readers, Fall has arrived here in Birmingham. It feels cold and damp and my washing is shrouded in mist on the washing line which covers our grass in the garden. A beautiful picture so different to those of you who live in 90210 or even in DC, by the way Obama hurry up with the bubble wrap, you only have a month to pack.

Aches and pains beckon with the damp air, little wonder folks live till 300 years old in Hollywood thanks to the warm dry climate, whereas here in Birmingham we have to dig out our string vests, or put 3 jumpers on and an overcoat, just to stay warm, indoors that is. It’s warmer outside, if you call all your friends and flash mob the number 11 bus, this is a 20 mile circle of Birmingham, then you all stay warm like cattle in a shed.

Half way around you jump off and flash mob the Christian tea shop, it’s really really cheap and best of all it’s warm, if only you could carry the heat home in carrier bags. Once a month there is dancing, they always play ONJ’s Get Physical, 70 to 80+ year olds doing the naughty, well in their imagination anyways, everything is slow motion nowadays.

As they dance over the floor, tables and chairs pushed out of the way to allow their dancing and prancing. Imagine John Travolata and ONJ in Grease but substitute seniors with Arthritis and big woolly jumpers freshly bought from the Charity shop. Don’t mock them I’m nearly there, I have the Arthritis and Woolly jumper, all I need is the free bus pass. Though if you look into their eyes you will notice the spark the fire, just shake those embers and you’ll be amazed what you’ll find out. The top deck of buses hold many secrets and not just where Mr Jones went to have a pee….

The kids or grandkids will be home soon, you have to put on your best face, to lie to them and say you had a great day, and no the Autumn chill did not make your Arthritis worse today. You don’t put the heating on to save money so that you can buy them chocolate biscuits, you just shiver under a duvet waiting till 15 mins before the kids are due back before you switch the heating on, for them. It’s an idea you will use for Mrs Murphy in Tears for a Butcher, she will get a space blanket as used by real life Astronauts, and get to make friends with a billionaire’s mum. But that’s another chapter in another book.

As for now I need a hot drink tea will be fine. I’m remembering when we were kids in the Winter ice was on the inside of bedroom windows, we scrapped it off and may have even eaten it, that was 50 years ago before double glazing was invented. Everything was so innocent then.

So I’ve got my tea and Michael Jackson is singing Remember the Time, memories do keep us warm, we may be chilled to the bone, but our spirits are on fire with love and memories. Memory is my greatest companion, I seem to have been the Family Camcorder, I have no fancy exploding flaming phone, though it might have warmed me and my Arthritis up.

What I’m saying is I remember lots of stuff, it all goes into the “soup” and then I am able to write about it. I sometimes cannot remember what I had for breakfast, but what happened 50 years ago I have near total recall. As I reach for my tea I hold the keyboard like an artist holding his palette, I slurp my tea and resume painting pictures with words. I’ve got my dressing gown on, the long one, have to stay warm without the central heating on. Then I’ll have a 2nd tea to keep my body warm and flush my cKd kidneys out, and then I’ll be off to Aldi to buy chocolate for the girls, just in time to put the central heating on before they come home.


Feeding the Kids 2016


Feeding The Kids 2016 ©

By Michael Casey

Some of us are housewives, I am a housewife, not just because I like cross dressing, with a piny and droopy stockings and only one suspender holding just the right leg up, and no its not some form of kinky Freemason initiation stuff. The Freemasons would never have me, as Groucho Marx said, any club with me in it is not worth belonging to. Though I am available for after dinner speaking, emphasis on the free dinner, just in case anybody out there needs a speaker, 300 And Not OUT has plenty of material for any after any dinner speaking as do the other books.

Now I was side-tracked, you lot would put any writer off his stride, I have to go and sharpen my pencil before  I resume, or maybe I’ll just switch to crayon. Being at home means  you get to spend more time with the kids. Personally I consider that to be a blessing, growing up my dad was always working in the steel works, so as children we didn’t see as much of him as we would have liked, though Love wise it was a Deep Love, my own dad was my best friend.

Dad could not boil an egg as mum was always there to look after his belly, and the bellies of all her kids and a cat and a dog. So now decades later I am feeding my 2 girls it makes me smile when I think back to my dad’s time. As always kids come home and look in the fridge and say there is nothing to eat and that I’m starving them. They eat rice daily as they are half Shanghai Chinese, so if there is nothing in the fridge, according to them , they immediately look up Amnesty International on the internet, so they can start a campaign to fill our fridge. And as I’ve forgotten to have chocolate in the house, can there be a torchlight procession through the streets.

I say you have eggs, we can have them scrambled or hard boiled, for perfect farting, they look at me in disgust as if egg was a dirty word. I say we can add beans, Heinz beans, the best beans to the eggs, for even better farting, they look at me as if Heinz is a dirty word. So I say I have some Polish bread from the corner shop, I could turn it into French toast, with Heinz beans on the side, they just look at me in disgust, they don’t want a geography lesson.

If they wanted a geography lesson they’d ask that Mr Corbyn on the telly, he IS a geography teacher after all. Or even Mrs May the PM, didn’t she do geography at Oxford, this enabled her to Navigate to Birmingham and the Party Conference, and then to Downing Street, wasn’t Downing where daddy’s brother went to Uni?

So eggs are out, at least they are not off. So I say I have fish fingers, I bet they are cold you should put gloves on daddy they say in unison. They are nice with peas and some bread and butter. I add nonchalantly I do have a new Aldi hot chocolate drink. Redemption, Amnesty International can cancel that street march, and stop weaving barbed wire into candles.

So fish finger sandwiches with peas are tonight’s dinner, the peas fall out of the sandwiches and bounce around the floor, Totoro thinks its great sport and she eats them too. So the cat is fed as well while I retreat to watch the news on the computer. Of course I have many menus I can exploit, and there is Iceland, the shop not the country. Cottage pie and lasagne are instant belly fillers, all you have to do is cook it slowly, it’s always 30 mins to an hour longer to cook than the packet says.

The trick in cooking is, just open the oven door and look inside and spin the food so all angles get cooked. If you follow this advice religiously then you too will have a Michelin star.  My  small daughter make it from an old toilet tube and silver paper, then she glued it to the fridge, only Totoro is addicted to glue so she licked it off. That’s why my Michelin star is not mentioned in The Times Best Eateries List.

Tomorrow they will have lamb chops, only because I found them in the wife’s side of the fridge, we are one family divided by fridge doors, and wrapping paper with Chinese writing on. I do of course have roast potatoes to go with the chops, all I have to do is to cook them for double the time it says on the wrapper, and remember to open the oven door often to keep an eye on them.

Sometimes mum takes us out for a meal at the weekend, and guess what she picks  English Food.

Our Modern Families


Our Modern Families ©

By Michael Casey


We all watch Modern Family on tv as well New Girl, these show us how modern families live and fight amongst themselves. Mum used the say the family that prays together stays together, or in the modern world the family that watches tv together stays together. Or so it used to be, I can still remember Channel4 arriving in UK, it was a big deal, this was when I was a kid 40 years and more ago.

Tv is a great unifier, we all watch our favourite soap together and it’s a main topic of conversation, as we share  out the biscuits and sweets as we watch tv, and scream don’t stand in front of the tv I’m watching it. Since the advent of SKY we have loads more tv to watch, and we can stop the shows while we dash to the toilet, or make a cup of tv.  Which is great in my opinion, Sky and Virgin fight it out for our tv pennies, and now we even have Sky Q which may have been named after Q from James Bond. Next time Bond and Q are down the Trader in Old Forge and Singing Anvil I will ask them.

What all this tv does is split the viewers, mum and dad are watching 50 Shades of Grey and taking copious notes as they are decorating their bathroom and bedroom all next week. The kids thanks to Sky Q  can watch their shows on a tablet and even take it on a picnic with them, or sneak it into school in their lunch box.

Then your tv has become an Internet TV too because of Sky Q, so Rupert must have “bribed” Q with a DB7 and season ticket for Manchester United or maybe just a box set of Home and Away when Kylie and Jason first appeared. All these things split the family, but also save the family as there are no tv clashes any more, years of tv can be recorded to watch in our 2nd 3rd or 4th lives, I’m sure you would need to be a Buddhist to have enough  time to watch all your favourite shows. So does the Dali Lama watch Coronation Street, or does he watch all the box sets of Dallas.  Perhaps one day Michael Casey will be big on tv, if you don’t know who Michael Casey is it’s me, you really must start reading my titles.

Food does bring families together, especially if its Chinese food, though in our Shanghai Birmingham family Chinese food is a thrice daily thing. And what do we watch on tv, food shows, we watch more food shows than actually preparing real food. I’m sure the next thing on tv will be a 3d printer attached to the tv so if you like somebody’s meat balls you can have them made by the tv and you just reach in and grab their balls.

All this is for the future I’m sure Rupert is already thinking of all this, once he finishes reading all 10 of my books on Amazon, though knowing my luck if he gives feedback he’ll say, Perfect for Radio.




















Giving your rubbish away


Giving your Rubbish Away ©

By Michael Casey

We give away our rubbish, and people are glad to receive it, ok we don’t actually give away our rubbish, what I mean to say is that we don’t waste our rubbish, we put it to good use. We use Charity shops, it is a waste if your children’s clothes go in the bin with little wear on them.

So we bag clothes up and I walk up the road and hand it over to the Charity shop volunteer, over here it is volunteers only the manager gets paid. If you have young kids they grow so fast so it’s a pity to bin what could be used again, items are practically brand new. When I grew up I had 4th hand clothes until I got too fat for hand me downs, though I did enjoy wearing my mother’s dresses, dad had a nice evening gown which he wore to the steel works. Am I joking or is the famous British steel workers sense of humour, is it the same in Pennsylvania?

If my girls have a massive clear out the sacks can be too heavy to carry so I have to improvise. So I lay the items on the garden wall and try and entice passing parents to take away the jeans or coats or tops or even shoes that no longer fit our girls. If the fashion has changed then some items are quickly despised and so are available for passing strangers. No our girls  are NOT like that spoilt brat Pony wanting girl in Willy Wonka. If you have your own girls you will understand, girls just need more clothes more often, just as your wife does.

Sometimes you spot a child wearing your daughters’ old clothes, it’s nice that somebody had the wear of them, it’s a sin to waste clothes as it’s a sin to waste food, share and share alike. As far as my old clothes go, that is a sight to behold, I’m XXL so if I send something to the Charity shop, it will either be used by a fat but not as beautiful man, I have to be honest after all, I am a George Clooney look alike, ok I did work in a law firm for 3 years, that’s my only connection. Or the Scouts buy my old coats and use them as tents up in the woods, or as kites. But at least my clothes have a new life, a kind of reincarnation.

So don’t lazy, don’t throw clothes in the trash as you say in USA, pass them on, somebody will love your old clothes. So please pass on your old clothes even copy me and put them on your garden wall this Fall. Who knows perhaps Bill Gates may pass by, for we all knows he could do with some new threads or maybe just have his inside leg measured properly.


for the future


well i updated to windows 10  ANNIVERSARY UPDATE on the familt computer and guess what my mouse would not work any more.


back in may, 100 stories ago i found a guy in aldi who fixed it for me.

my usb ports dropped out too but came back again a week later.

so i’m hoping that will happen again or i meet the big guy in aldi again.

other than that  when i go through the 1,000,000 words barrier i’ll release a book called THE  FIRST MILLION WORDS OF MICHAEL CASEY